You are going to die. It sucks but that’s life. Relax, this post isn’t here to bum you out and make you start looking at your life. This post is a warning. There are people out there that are GOING to paint your Facebook wall and Twitter mentions with self absorbed nonsense. These people will take your death and ruin it. The one time in life, even though you just died, where its really all about you internet people come marching in to take a piss all over your page. There are 5 people in particular I’m referring to, you have the “Rest In Power” guy, the “Skeptical” guy, the “He Tried To Talk To Me” girl, the “I Didnt Know You That Well” girl, and the “What Happened?” Guy. It never fails, go to any recently deceased person’s Facebook and you’ll see these people climbing all over the place trying to get their bullshit out.
1.”Rest In Power”
Not sure if he’s talking about Jesus Shawn Corey Christ. If he is, I feel the same way fam.
The real reason I am here before you today is this because of this guy. Resting in peace is simply not enough for him. He doesn’t want you to have peace. He cares not for that in death you are now free from the burdens and hardships that led to your untimely demise and now you can receive the peace you deserve. Nah F$%# all that. He wants you to have power. Now I wrote this hoping that by the time I got to this point I’d know what the hell this means but here I am before you hat in hand confused and longing for understanding. What exactly do you want me to do with this power? Shall I organize a coup and try to overthrow God and start a new heaven? Perhaps you want me to fight Maximus Meridius? [I plan on going on to the Elysian Fields when I die. Heaven is cool and all but I belong in a pasture listening to trumpets] Look there are only 2 forms of RIP that are acceptable and they are “Rest in Peace” and “Rot in Piss”. The latter is reserved solely for avocado eaters, people who rock team Jordan’s, Trump supporters, and people who reply “nm” when you text “wyd?”. To my friends that are reading this, listen to me, I promise I’m cool with peace. Its perfect.
2. “Skeptical” Guy
Every death involves foul play for this idiot. He’s the guy that says “Nah man i just saw him yesterday and he was looking good. Something else had to happen. You don’t just die in your sleep mane…”. You’ve seen him a million times in different forms. He was sick the entire time. Nobody murdered him, nobody neglected him, and nobody is at fault. You gotta just relax. People die everyday from natural causes B.
3. “He Tried To Talk To Me” Chick
Nothing worse than a person that appoints their own level of importance in your life. Some do it by namedropping, some do it by altering stories by giving themselves a greater role but the worst of these people, LOVE to let people know that you once tried to talk to them. I swear nobody cares. I promise that a simple “RIP” on their wall is enough. Its pretty damn disrespectful that you gotta announced that you once curved the deceased. Can that man not have a moment of dignity? Do you have to suck every ounce of respect from that man’s name to get attention? What if he didn’t want to associated with you? There are plenty of live men you can do this to. Leave the dead alone.
4. “I didn’t know you that well (or at all)”
I know these aren’t that bad but the cynic in me won’t allow these people to roam freely without some form of ridicule. If you don’t someone, why post on their page? I’ll tell you why. These self absorbed dickheads live to log on to Facebook/twitter and see they have a notification. The almighty LIKE, RT, or Fave will make you do things normal people just don’t do.
5. “What Happened?”
Can’t find many examples of this without comment stalking so i’ll just go without visual examples. Nosey people irk me to no end. If you don’t know then you probably weren’t close enough to the deceased and therefore you don’t need to know. Furthermore, please understand that it’s extremely tacky to discuss the details of someone’s death online. Stop constantly asking people what happened asshole.
Please be aware of these people. Pay close attention. Take a closer look at your friends and do away with any one that might show these qualities for they will destroy your death. If you have a feeling you might be about to succumb to life’s bullshit, whether it be violent or natural, take a moment to deactivate your accounts so your loved ones don’t have to see the cries for attention from “mourner’s” on your Facebook wall. Even if there’s a gun to your head, after begging for your life, ask if they’ll at least let you deactivate or suspend your Twitter. I mean thats the least they can do.
Rest In Plantains and Bananas Harambe . I don’t know what happened because I didn’t know you that well. I should’ve come to see you when I had the chance.