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College Football Picks: Week 1

We've been waiting on this moment since Von Miller and the Broncos shut down the Dab in February. Since the 1st overhyped Spring Game that we all salivated over. Since the NFL cancelled the Hall of Fame Game.

Good Morning.

It’s almost Gameday. Get your best Saturday dress on and prepare to yell at teenagers and twenty somethings. Cause America.

We’ve been waiting on this moment since Von Miller and the Broncos shut down the Dab in February. Since the 1st overhyped Spring Game that we all salivated over.  Since the NFL cancelled the Hall of Fame Game.

What’s great about this Week 1 is that we have a lot of off-season questions that are going to get answered right off the bat: will Alabama continue plugging in the right answer at QB? Will Shaun White be the answer for Auburn? Is Clemson as great as they were last season? Can they make another run? Who’s helmet are we done worshipping and are going to acknowledge they’ve become a relatively mediocre program? Texas or Notre Dame?

We’ll know by Sunday.

We took a stab at picks for Week 1, choosing 7 marquee matchups as we’ll do throughout the football season. Here’s how the picks shape out.

Fire Marshall Schuyler


Ole Miss/FSU✔️

Sky picks LSU over Wisconsin because he and Leonard Fournette are brothers in baldness. Alabama because he’s being antagonistic to Ransom and Clemson because he thinks Jason Campbell resembles a very lost and confused Lionel Richie.

Slick Mahoney aka Ron Harris

Ron Africa

✔️OU/Hou (might regret this later)
✔️UGa/UNC (also might regret this)
✔️✔️✔️Clemson/Lee Co. A&M
Ole Piss/FSU ✔️

Ronnie is sassy and forgot to pick Alabama/USC cause he was too busy trying to be cute with his Clemson/Auburn prediction. He also spelled Ole Miss incorrectly.

Rhine Mc”Laugh at these picks dawg” lin


Georgia/Fighting Petey Pablos🔑
Ole Miss/FSU🔑
🔑Bama/Southern California

Houston makes a statement for playoff viability. LSU cruises to a win. Petey Pablo provides an inspiring halftime performance that pushes UNC back into the game. Clemson is the Mount St. Helen of College Football and are well overdue for a classic Clemsoning, no better place to do that than in Jordan Hare. We’ll act like we really want to see ND/UT for the first two quarters and then switch to Family Fued during a commercial, never to turn back. Chad Kelly gets into a fight? Maybe? No? Eh. Ok.

Ebony “I does what I wants” Last Name Here

ebony magazine.jpg

Charlotte @ Louisville✔️
App St @ Tennessee✔️
Furman @ Michigan State✔️
Northwestern St @ Baylor✔️
Kansas St @ Stanford✔️
Hawaii @ Michigan✔️
BGSU @ Ohio State✔️
✔Oklahoma @ Houston
Rutgers @ Washington✔️
Miami (OH) @ Iowa✔️
SE Louisiana @ Oklahoma St✔️
UCLA @ Texas A&M✔️
✔️LSU @ Wisconson
UC Davis @ Oregon✔️
✔Georgia @ North Carolina
Mass @ Florida✔️
USC @ Alabama✔️
South Dakota St @ TCU✔️
✔️Clemson @ Auburn
✔️Notre Dame @ Texas
Ole Miss @ Florida St✔️
South Carolina @ Vandy✔️
Missouri @ West Virginia✔️
South AL @ Miss St✔️
LA Tech @ Arkansas✔️
Southern Miss @ Kentucky✔️
✔️BYU @ Arizona
Georgia Tech@BostonCollege✔️

Y’all look at this. Look at this. I specifically told these folks the 7 games they were supposed to pick and this girl done went and selected every FBS game this weekend. I can’t stand her y’all. I really can’t. This so disrespectful, how you not follow rules? Whatever, I’m picking her 7 losses as her record this week. So she’s 0-7 regardless.



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