We’re 2 weeks in guys. Are you excited? You shouldn’t be. Because your team is trash.
I’m joking. They might be good, pretty respectable guys I’m sure. Hard workers as well. Let’s just get into this, I’m not good with football related introductions.
Tier 1: Early Favorites
1. Denver Broncos – They are the defending Super Bowl Champions and Trevor Siemian has been a bit better right now than Peyton was last season. That’s recipe for success as the Broncos only need average quarterback play to be legitimate threats. I’ll drop them quick though if I keep seeing that Von Miller Madden commercial.
2. New England Patriots – Jimmy Garopollo looks like Tye Burrell if he was a college athlete. In all seriousness though, Bill is a genius and could put a monkey wrench and rusty screwdriver at QB and make it work. 2-0 without your two biggest stars is no easy feat. If Brissett is any decent I would ship Garropollo while the stock is hot and steal a few more draft picks for next May.
3. Pittsburgh Steelers – I feel like no one really respects them and I don’t understand it. Most consistent team in the league offensively. Roethlisberger has still been accused of rape, twice.
Tier 2: Good enough to date, wouldn’t marry them yet
4. Houston Texans – I don’t trust Brock Osweiler. I just don’t. Might be the 80’s slickback Corporation Stock Movie Villain hair. I don’t know, I don’t care, but I can’t trust him. 2-0 is 2-0 though, so enjoy hollow victories Houston!
5. Kansas City Chiefs – Said beforehand that they are a shoe-in for the postseason. Might not win the division, but might sneak a wildcard. Between them and Oakland there might be three AFC West teams in the playoffs. No snide remarks about Andrew Reid.
6. New York Giants – This is shaping up to be the most Eli Manningest season in the history of the NFL. 20 TDs, 20 INTs, makes the postseason, goes ape and throws 19 TDs in the postseason with 0 picks. Concludes with an improbable Super Bowl win over Tom Brady where 8th string WR Moritz Boehringer catches a game winning TD pass with his big and little toe after his shoe came off mid-route.
7. Arizona Cardinals – The Patriots loss is where your Grandmother pulls you to the side, gives you a Werther’s Original and says “it’s okay baby, but don’t you ever do that again!”
8. Baltimore Ravens – Nope. No. Nuh uh. Had you not interrupted the Josh McCown story, you would’ve taken that L.
Tier 3: The Dating Phase, I kind of like you
- Philadelphia Eagles – Never would have thought that the Eagles would have been 2-0 with Captain North Dakota in the starting lineup. Maybe giving the Browns all your draft picks and mortgaging your future really does help you knock off two mediocre teams to start the season.
Cincinnati Bengals – Can’t blame them for losing to a superior Steelers team, Dalton is starting to come into his own, needs a reliable guy to emerge opposite AJ Green.
New York Jets – Still very iffy and really not sure about them. Need Ryan Fitzpatrick to make a postseason once in his career: the interceptions would be royally hilarious.
Green Bay Packers – Don’t panic yet. Aaron Rodgers isn’t floating like MJ in the “Billie Jean” video, but he can still make moves. Like getting Mike McCarthy canned in February. Just a thought.
Minnesota Vikings – This is generous too. Lost AP after losing Teddy. Can we also talk about how quick the Vikings were to replace Shaun Hill? This might have been the best Bradford has ever looked since college.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Yeah, big whoop, wanna fight about it? Buccaneers are the darling wilcard pick for the NFC. I think they make it if they play like they did in Week 1 vs. Atlanta. We just don’t know if that was what Tampa is truly capable of being or what Atlanta is capable of not being?
Tier 4: Average, but teams to look out for
- Dallas Cowboys – Great news Cowboys fans: you found your new QB! Bad news Cowboys fans, we overreacted because he doesn’t have a full season under his belt.
Seattle Seahawks – Offense has looked virtually non existent this season. 12 points in the opener, 3 points on Sunday? Worse than eating Desmond Tutu’s tutu.
Tennessee Titans – Watch out for them (okay, obvious). Mariotta is talented, he’s scary accurate and is getting the offense tailored to his talents. It’s just too bad his coach stinks
Detroit Lions – Disappointing last minute loss against Tennessee. On the bright side, two consecutive game winning drives from Matthew Stafford would have caused a complete implosion of our Universe. So, you know, there’s that.
Carolina Panthers – They definitely hit their ceiling last year, that was a magical ride that I think is going to crash and burn. This 2016 version will be harder to decipher than a Cam Newton instagram post.
Atlanta Falcons – Kyle Shannahan is the problem, he has been the problem. Either he becomes flexible or the window on the Matt Ryan era shuts. Give it 2 more years to play out, we’ll see.
Oakland Raiders – Jack Del Rio’s cajones are admirable. They really are. You really have to be carrying a set the size of North Dakota to make the calls he was making. As stupid as half of them were. What’s worse? The Falcons kept giving them chances to do it!
Tier 5: You have dishonored our family
- New Orleans Saints
Jacksonville Jaguars – Hey, guys. You remember when we all kept saying that it was your time to really put it together this year? You made us look smart last week by keeping it so close with Green Bay. But, um, San Diego? REEEEALLY?
San Diego Chargers – No, I don’t want to hear it. I don’t care if you beat Jacksonville, the only consolation prize you get is 70-degree year round weather. So just be grateful here.
Indianapolis Colts – I’m torn. I like Chuck Pagano, stand up guy, battled through cancer, beat it and went right back to work. There are people out there who can’t get out of bed with a cold. Personal love for him aside he just isn’t the right fit for the Colts and maybe needs some more time back in a coordinator role with less pressure. It’s just not happening here. Also, Luck is overrated.
Miami Dolphins – Kept Seattle to 12 points. Kept it close with New England after Garropolo went down. They’ve got fight in them, and they’ve got the right Coach, it’s just time to replace a few members of that offense.
27. Buffalo Bills – You can’t put together a bad offensive line with one of the league’s most notorious running backs when it comes to being a shift-artist. He can’t create with no room to breathe. The Ryan brothers might be the most overrated coaching pair for some time. Outstanding coordinators on their own, not together, and Rex Ryan is certainly an overrated head coach.
- Los Angeles Rams – There’s plenty to do in Los Angeles, so you’re not missing much if you decide to opt out of watching an offense score 9 points a game.
San Francisco 49ers – Chip Kelly needs to stop playing and let Kaepernick’s afro take snaps. I’m 95% sure that his hair is now sentient. With that defense they’re virtually unstoppable as long opposing teams don’t discover its one and only weakness: Soul Glo
Tier 6: Silk Da Shockker
30. Cleveland Browns – What’s more frustrating for Cleveland Browns fans? The fact that you’ve gone through 26 QBs since relaunching as an expansion franchise back in the 90s, or the fact that Josh McCown might actually be your savior at QB if he stays healthy?
31. Washington Team – Kirk Cousins bet on himself. Right now he’s losing that bet.
32. Chicago Bears – They were terrible with Cutler. Going to be worse without him. I don’t even have the sass to really down them right now, I’d be miserable if I were a Bears fan.