[INSERT WITTY INTRO, EXCEPT I DON’T HAVE ONE, BEEN ON THE ROAD FOR WEEKS, FINALLY HOME FOR 12 HOURS BEFORE HEADING TO MOBILE, IT’S OKAY, I’LL BE OKAY]
#32. Cincinnati Bengalcatguys – Wooh boy, just when you thought they might not be utter trash like you thought, they go and do Bengal things and make you remember that this franchise needs to hit the reset button.
#31. Cleveland Browns – At least Cleveland has an excuse…they’re Cleveland.
#30. New York Jets – They didn’t mean to win, that’s how you get fired when you’re trying to tank. Just call Ray Lucas out of retirement and call it a day.
#29. Miami Dolphins – How did you lose to the Jets? Like, I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt and not putting you below the Jets, cause I’m thinking it’s a fluke, but you still allowed yourself to get fluked.
#28. New York Giants – Can’t spell “incredibly predictable offense with no upfront protection and a dumpster fire where there should be an elite WR core” without Ben McAdoo
#27. San Francisco 49ers – Gotta commend them for fighting in a game where they were realllllly outclassed.
#26. Chicago Bears – You can give Glennon all the credit you want for managing the game, fact is, you can’t really get away with that in this day and age. Your defense is going to give up 21+, if you can’t trust your offense to put up 17, then what are you doing?
#25. Indianapolis Colts – Don’t let a young, inexperienced Browns team get you thinking that you’re hot stuff. You’re still probably coming dead last in the division.
#24. Los Angeles Chargers – I honestly don’t know.
#23. Carolina Panthers – Cam is considering an anthem protest, trying to garner back all the positive black energy that surrounded him during his 2015 season. He needs it cause this offense is triddash.
#22. New Orleans Saints – “Oh when the Saints. Go 6-10. Oh when the Saints go 6-10….”
#21. Baltimore Ravens – Dog. Y’all let the Jaguars of Duval County, Florida drop FORTY FOUR ON YOU. Forty Four. 4 and another 4. President Barack Obama. The Jaguars. WHAT?
#20. Philadelphia Eagles – I meant to put Washington here, but both teams aren’t that good so who really cares.
#19. Arizona Cardinals – Window for this defense has all but closed and they’re wasting the remaining years on a geriatric Carson Palmer.
#18. Pittsburgh Steelers – No. Just no.
#17. Houston Texans – If DeSean Watson continues to progress they MIGHT overtake the Titans by season’s end.
#16. Washington – Great win against a very good Raiders team, ok. Dominating win. I lied, they belong in this spot.
#15. Buffalo Bills – Most unimpressive 2-1 start, seriously didn’t realize they were tied for the AFC East lead
#14. Denver Broncos – Sit Down.
#13. Oakland Raiders – Be humble.
#12. Minnesota Vikings – Gonna call the win over Tampa a fluke right now. Okay, no I’m not, but I’m still not sure about Case Keenum, I will not be easily swayed.
#11. Seattle Seahawks – (pssssssssst, they’re not that good this year guys)
#10. Jacksonville Jaguars – Enjoy your only Top 10 ranking all season Duval County team, you don’t get to play every game in London.
#09. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – No reason why you should be getting whipped by a Vikings team that’s trotting out Case freaking Keenum as their starting QB. No way.
#08. Los Angeles Rams – SO FAR they look like the best team in the West. It’s almost as if a certain mustachioed coach might have possibly been maybe holding this team back.
#07. Green Bay Packers – To be honest, I’m not the least bit impressed, but Aaron Rogers buys you like 20 spots on this list. SO…..
#06. Dallas Cowboys – Even though that Monday Night win was more about Arizona failing to grasp opportunity than it was Dallas dominating, they still are a talented team that found a way to win.
#05. Tennessee Titans – Clear favorites, QB coming into his own, um….that’s all I got.
#04. Kansas City Chiefs – I don’t know how they went from the Fighting Alex Smiths to a high octane offense with energy
#03. Detroit Lions – They were robbed. I know, you know it.
#02. New England Patriots – To be honest, this team isn’t that good either, and I truly wonder how many times 40 year old Thomas will be able to carry them before it becomes Drew Brees….
#01. Atlanta Falcons – Uhhhhh. They kinda belong, kinda don’t, but mostly do.