Hyuck, gorsh Mickey, we’re number 1
The AFC is a mess.
A hot, buttery, scrambled mess. So much so that there’s a scenario where the 0-10 Cleveland Browns could still make it in. It requires 46 different things to happen.
Even outside of that wacky scenario, there are still plenty of 3-7 teams still in the mix and a few 4-6 teams actually do control their own destiny. We’re still looking at a possible playoff scenario where the Chargers are your AFC West Champions. Seriously.
[Yes, I know that T&J is not a Disney Movie, I don’t care, this song is very bad, just like these teams]
#32. Cleveland Browns – Now news comes out that Hue wanted Carson Wentz. That means the Browns passed on Wentz, Goff and Watson, all of which Hue Jackson wanted. DeShone isn’t the answer, clearly, but I hate his confidence is being shattered each and every week.
#31. San Francisco 49ers – Don’t let that bye week distract you from the fact that the 9ers have reverted back to the Tim Rattay years.
#30. New York Giants – Nope, you don’t get off just because you beat a regressing Chiefs team. Nope.
#29. Indianapolis Colts – This is literally an audition season for the entire team.
#28. Houston Texans – HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH YOU GUYS STARTED TOM SAVAGE OVER DESHAUN WATSON TO START THE SEASON. I DON’T KNOW HOW YOU SCORED 31 POINTS EITHER OTHER THAN THE FACT THAT BLAINE GABBERT MIGHT BE WORSE THAN TOM SAVAGE
[The Jungle Book kinda mid, but this song is the best one to me]
#27. Arizona Cardinals – There’s talk of Bruce Arians possibly retiring at the end of the season, I hope not, an offensive genius like him deserves to go out on a higher note than Old Carson Palmer, Drew Stanton, Ryan Lindley, and Blaine Gabbert.
#26. Chicago Bears – Get Jordan Howard out of Chicago. Please.
#25. Miami Dolphins – Y’all paid Jay Cutler 10 of them things for this?
#24. New York Jets – Hot start has faded a little bit, but you DO have to commend them for playing above and beyond what anyone expected.
#23. Green Bay Packers – Good God this team is so bad without Aaron.
#22. Buffalo Bills – The most post-Jim Kelly-Bills thing to ever happen would be for the Bills to start Peterman at QB again. You might as well call and see what JP Losman or Trent Edwards doing and send them back out there.
Tier 5: “Friend Like Me” – Aladdin
[Anything that The Genie sings in Aladdin slaps, but this takes the cake. RIP Robin Williams]
#21. Cincinnati Bengals – Peak Marvin Lewis would be a 5 or 6-game win streak that sees Cincinnati backing into the playoffs, therefore allowing him to keep his job.
#20. Denver Broncos – I know they just lost to Cincinatti but…….you know what, nevermind. Swap them.
#19. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Jameis Winston sitting out cause he’s tired of playing for Dirk “Slim” Koetter. Ryan Fitzpatrick showing the world how mid he is again.
#18. Baltimore Ravens – Not sure how to feel about them. Their offense is putrid, but that’s good enough for a 1st round victory in the AFC.
#17. Dallas Cowboys – They’re faltering. Also Jerry is 0-2 since stepping to Young Arthur Blank
#16. Washington – 4-6 doesn’t speak to how good this team is. Cause they’re more of a .500 team.
Tier 4: “You’re Welcome” – Moana
[DeWayne Johnson has better bars than you]
#15. Oakland Raiders – Defense does not exist in the Black Hole or in Mexico City apparently.
#14. Los Angeles Chargers – Um….ok…..hot take here……they’re the best team in the AFC West and they might actually win the thing at 9-7.
#13. Tennessee Titans – As I type this out, I realize that the NFL really is trash outside of the Top 10.
#12. Kansas City Chiefs – They. Literally. Do. This. Every. Single. Year.
#11. Detroit Lions – Deserve more credit than they’re getting. Unfortunately for them, the NFC might be too crowded for them to get a playoff spot.
Tier 3: “Zero to Hero” – Hercules
[I always appreciated the sassy black gospel choir in this movie]
#10. Seattle Seahawks – Pete Carroll really cost them the win with that Fake FG….then again the game plays out entirely different if they kicked it and made it or if they actually converted the fake for a TD.
#09. Atlanta Falcons – The offense LOOKS to be clicking. Finally. That Special Teams though…..
#08. Carolina Panthers – Still can’t put my finger on it, but something isn’t right about this team.
#07. Jacksonville Jaguars – I think we’re all just trying to pretend this isn’t happening.
#06. Los Angeles Rams – Bad loss on the road, but one they have to learn from. First real test of Sean McVay’s young tenure as Head Coach.
[If you’re in an Animated feature film and Keith David is talking to you, run]
#05. New Orleans Saints – You don’t put together the streak they’ve put together just out of nowhere. I have to commend Sean Payton on figuring out how to run the football.
#04. Pittsburgh Steelers – They have quietly figured out their offense. Very quietly.
[If you have a different #1, let me go ahead and tell you: you’re wrong]
#03. New England Patriots – It’s not 16-0, but I don’t see any other AFC team really challenging them right now. Even if Jacksonville can hit Brady, they can’t outscore him.
#02. Philadelphia Eagles – I know they’re the trendy #1 pick and they just dismantled the Cowboys, but I don’t know if their defense is as good as Minnesota’s.
#01. Minnesota Vikings – Opportunistic defense. Running game is back to form. Case Keenum is playing like University of Houston Case Keenum. This team could be your NFC darling, seriously.