I’m tired y’all.
Down is up, up is left, right is fluid. I’m tired. Nothing makes sense in this league and I’m fed up trying to figure it out. So here’s an arbitrary ranking of 32 teams based on how I feel and absolutely nothing scientific.
#32. Arizona Cardinals – Putting Josh Rosen in the game on the final drive is like allowing someone to test drive your 1996 Buick Regal after you ran it into five different concrete polls. Enjoy driving the final 3 miles ya jerk.
#31. Oakland Raiders – Okay, okay, Gruden does have some pretty cool play designs, and his initial game scripts are pretty cool. He just doesn’t adjust like he used to….or maybe it’s that coaches now are just better at making adjustments. He should do more Spider 2 Y Banana.
#30. Houston Texans – The only person more disappointed in a group of underperforming men is your Mom. HIYOOOO.
#29. San Francisco 49ers – Jimmy G tearing his ACL is going to send this team reeling back into the Tim Rattay years. If only there was some QB out there who could help them. One that the organization is familiar with that once had them a play away from winning a Super Bowl. He might look pretty good in Shannahan’s offense.
#28. New York Jets – The only thing more aggravating than the Jets is believing in the Jets.
#27. Dallas Cowboys – Dak Prescott is no longer Dak Prescott, his name is Dakota. That’s what his Momma named him, and he plays like mid, just like both of those states.
#26. New York Giants – CONGRATULATIONS ON NOT LOSING EVERY GAME THIS IS A HUGE ACCOMPLISHMENT IN THE NFL r/BigBrother
#25. Seattle Seahawks – They’ve been so bad that I honestly wasn’t sure if they actually won. Then I realized they went up against Wyoming Prescott and it makes complete sense that this was their first win of the season.
#24. Buffalo Bills – squints in ‘I don’t believe you’
#23. Indianapolis Colts – I mean, we KNEW that Andrew’s shoulder wasn’t fully healed, but Jesus man, having to trot the BBQ Brisket man out there for a Hailmary is brutal. It’s like giving someone the keys to a 1996 Buick Regal…..
#22. Chicago Bears – Trubisky still avoids the left side of the field like he’s FOX News and this is the 2016 Presidential Election…..that’s a political joke son, try to keep up.
#21. Detroit Lions – I would’ve bet money that Kerryon Johnson would’ve lost two yards on the first run of a final drive to secure the victory.
#20. The Fighting Baker Mayfields – This is his team now, and jokes aside, I wanna see him ball out.
#19. Green Bay Packers – That ref backpedaled from McCarthy faster than Richard Sherman. It was a beauty, a sight to see. Haven’t seen a Baby Boomer move that fast since my Uncle chased my cousin around a corner with a belt.
#18. Los Angeles San Diego Zoo Chargers – Philip Rivers purgatory strikes again.
#17. Tennessee Titans – Thoroughly convinced that the Titans could go 2-14 and both wins would be against Jacksonville.
#16. Atlanta Falcons – Last year the defense was lights out and the offense couldn’t get it together. This year the offense is back to lighting up the scoreboard while the defense has more holes in it than an M. Night Shyamalan plot twist. Injuries ain’t no joke.
#15. Washington Racial Slurs – Never in any universe did I think that Alex “eh” Smith would be the QB to get a roughing call in their favor to change the game.
#14. Denver Broncos – Oh no, we’re seeing signs of old Case Keenum. Please stop it Case, we love you too much.
#13. Minnesota Vikings – That was a BAD loss. Like, really bad. So bad that I don’t have a joke for it.
#12. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Live by the Fitzmagic, die by the really bad Godwin fumble, the tipped pass for a pick, a really ugly pick six and really awful cut out beards.
#11. Pittsburgh Steelers – Reports of Tomlin’s demise were premature and I honestly hopes he shimmies on all the haters if they make the postseason. Kane and all.
#10. New England Patriots – Yes, they’re 1-2, but I’m not ready to believe that our national 17 year long nightmare is finally over. It’s not, Josh Gordon is waiting in the wings.
#09. Cincinnati Bengals – I’ve been REALLY careful to not compliment Marvin Lewis because any day now this team is going to crash and burn to an 8-8 record if it gets too much praise.
#08. Baltimore Ravens – This Ravens defense is actually kind of fun, they traded in the 1996 Buick Regal defense for a pretty nice, Kia Cadenza.
#07. Carolina Panthers – Cam Newton dresses like a fashionable pirate
#06. New Orleans Brees – Drew Brees is a legend. If I were a short white man approaching 40 with numerous passing accolades and I effectively hit a spin move on two young black athletes I would retire. Right then and there. I’m done. It’s over. I will never achieve anything greater.
#05. Miami Dolphins – These rankings are like the BCS, you get bonus points for high fiving your teammate at full speed as you accelerate to the end zone.
#04. Jacksonville Jaguars – The Jaguars could go 14-2 and I’m 100% sure that those two losses would be to the Tennessee Titans.
#03. Philadelphia Eagles – Does Carson Wentz (and by extension Andy Dalton)’s hair get redder as they acquire more power?
#02. Los Angeles Rams – Losing Peters and Talib for a month will hurt, but Wade Phillips and all his jolly old glory will find a way to humiliate whoever is next on their schedule.
#01. Kansas City Chiefs – Patrick MaHallofFame