Before Pharrell Williams was known for outlandishly large hats that vaguely resemble the Arby’s Logo and making songs for movies about sentient humanoid Twinkies, you couldn’t listen to a hit track without him being involved in it. The Neptunes have been in the business since the early 1990s and continue to produce today (and actually produced Kendrick Lamar’s “Alright”), but their strongest stretch may have been from around 1999 to 2006 where they helped produce major hits for artists like Common, Destiny’s Child, The Clipse, Brittney Spears, Beanie Man, Usher, Diddy, N’Sync, LL Cool J, Kelis, Nelly, Jay-Z, ODB, Ludacris, and T.I.. They’re sound was distinct, unique and yet varied and…..
Oh sh—, I’m supposed to be talking about football. My bad y’all.
Tier 1: “Grindin'” – featured all table musicians everywhere
#1. New England Patriots – Again. Dominance becomes so commonplace that it is now boring. Yawn.
#2. Dallas Cowboys – Tony Romo is back at practice. Can you feel it? Can you feel the inevitable 5 game slide? Nah, I’m kidding, Tony doesn’t get the credit he deserves for holding together a sub par team all these years. It kinda sucks that the second time he gets a great all-around club he’s injured half the season and replaced by a QB who could legitimately take his job.
#3. Philadelphia Eagles – I’ll stop the Soul jokes for now Ron.
#4. Minnesota Vikings – WHAT? SAM BRADFORD TURNED THE BALL OVER? WHAAAAAT?
#5. Denver Broncos – Dominance against a team you should beat. Nothing to see here.
Tier 2: “I Just Wanna Luv Ya (Give It 2 Me)”
#6. Oakland Raiders – The Raiders could arguably be the BEST team in the league’s BEST division (nope, go away NFC East). Hold the jury for now, but the Raiders really might be GREAT this year. Also, Marquette King is the greatest.
#7. Kansas City Chiefs – Shouldn’t have let the Saints back into it, but still a good team. Finally getting in their zone week by week.
#8. Green Bay Packers – Rule of .500 says that if the Packers are above that line, you have to put them Top 10. I don’t make the Power Ranking rules, I just follow them.
#9. Buffalo Bills – Took an L, but I think that’s more of an example of Miami’s talent finally rising up to potential. That defense can suffocate you, but they also expose a major weakness of the Bills: as improved as their offense is, it still can be thrown out of rhythm very easily.
#10. Pittsburgh Steelers – I’ll give it to you Landry. I thought you would go full Osweiler out there Sunday, but you fought, maybe Pittsburgh has a chance without Roethlisberger….
Tier 3: “Drop It Like It’s Hot”/”Hollaback Girl”
OH DON’T YOU ACT LIKE YOU WASN’T JAMMIN’ AND LEARNING HOW TO SPELL BANANAS.
#11. Seattle Seahawks & Arizona Cardinals – SINCE Y’ALL WANNA BE SO DAMN CHILDISH AND TIE, Y’ALL GONE TIE IN THE RANKINGS. DO I LOOK LIKE ONE OF YA LITTLE FRIENDS?
#13. New York Giants – 4 INTs and you win by…..you know what, you lucky the league is trash this year.
#14. San Diego Chargers – Again, may be the worst team in the best division in the NFL, but they’re pretty good, just have trouble finishing. Luckily for them, they found the cure for any team that needs a little boost.
#15. Atlanta Falcons – These guys…..
#16. Detroit Lions – I mean, my God, if your defense would just understand the basic fundamentals of their job, you would be looking at someone vying for a playoff bye.
#17. Washington – That was the most Washington way to lose a game. Also, please change your name.
#18. Miami Dolphins – They are your cousin who REALLY has a lot of potential. You know, the really smart one that could really apply himself and create something incredible but would rather just get high and eat Cheetos.
Tier 4: “Got Your Money”
#19. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – And because Atlanta is largely incompetent when it comes to sealing off a division, they are RIGHT. BACK. IN IT.
#20. Indianapolis Colts – Sadly, this pathetic excuse of a squad just might be the best team in the division…..
#21. Tennessee Titans – If this team can’t string it together.
#22. Houston Texans – BROCK OSWEILER IS JOANNE THE SCAMMER. HE GETTING 72 OF THEM THANGS TO THROW FOR 141 YARDS ON MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL.
#23. Los Angeles Rams – I will defend Case Keenum to this extent: only one of those interceptions was really his fault, unfortunately his lack of communication with his WRs cost him the game.
#24. Jacksonville Jaguars – We’ll see what happens Thursday night. But if they can’t take a game from the Titans, they don’t deserve a playoff spot.
Tier 5: Seniorita
#25. Cincinnati Bengals – I haven’t even been paying attention to them. I don’t even care anymore. AFC North is so bad this year it’s not even worth paying attention to anyone outside of Pittsburgh and the utter chaos that is the Browns.
#26. Baltimore Ravens – Including them.
#27. New Orleans Saints – I would’ve given them a chance to sneak back into the playoff picture if they could have pulled off the comeback, but, here we are.
#28. New York Jets – The reasonable part of me says “start Petty or Hackenburg, see what you got”, the petty part of me says “let Fitz play and I hope he drops 40 TDs and 30 INTs”
Tier 6: There are no bad Neptunes beats
#29. Carolina Panthers – They’re just bad. There’s no other way to put it. Last year we saw their ceiling and now we’re seeing their floor. Cam Newton is really the only dynamic offense player they have.
#30. San Francisco 49ers – Kaepernick is playing better than Gabbert but I’m being biased and all you need to do to play better than Gabbert is exist and understand how to read a defense.
#31. Chicago Bears – Just when I thought they could turn the corner, Hoyer goes down and Matt Barkley plays like Matt Barkley.
#32. Cleveland Browns – I don’t know what deal Cleveland made in order to potentially win two major sports championships, but obviously it included the worst possible Browns scenario ever. A solid team that has some hope and potential if they allow their coach to build, but also is really, really bad and has essentially cursed their QBs. How do you go through a new one every week? At this point McCown is going to come in and rattle off 9 straight wins just to barely miss the playoffs and earn the worst pick possible.