Protip: If you’re going to revive an old “feel good” program, it might not be a good idea to revive a program best known for completely screwing its “winners” over. “Pimp My Ride” was fun for literally a season, probably would’ve been even more hilarious in the Twitter area, but I don’t think it’s one of those shows that anyone is sitting back and saying “man, you know what they REALLY need to bring back?”
But the NFL is the NFL and feels like its immune to bad press and bad ideas. So.
Who knows, Tackle My Ride might end up being really endearing, heartwarming, non-jackhammer every contestant into a stereotype-ing, but I’ll never know because I’m probably never going to watch it. There are a lot of programs that don’t need revival and are actually kind of cringe-worthy to go back and watch, let’s keep them in the past.
Tier 1: Tiny Toon Adventures is really hit and miss
#1. New England Patriots – Might have taken an L on Sunday Night, but still the best all around team in the league. Best QB and Best Head Coach and it’s not even close. Also, Gronk is still a cheat code.
#2. Dallas Cowboys – Patriots might have the best QB and best Coach in the league, but the Cowboys have the best young core in the league. They’re going to be a force to deal with for awhile. I seriously hope Dak is able to build off a successful rookie year next year. Also, Ezekiel Elliot is a monster.
#3. Oakland Raiders – Yup. Just sit there and overlook them. Just keep overlooking them. (Tuck Rule rematch in AFC Championship?)
#4. Seattle Seahawks – They’ve now strung together two straight strong wins, but Wilson’s injuries are going to continue to hang as a question mark.
Tier #2: Most of the Mario Bros. Cartoons
#5. Kansas City Chiefs – Again. Please do not pay attention to the AFC West team behind the curtain. It is very boring and Andy Reid’s mustache looks like a hotdog that is out of place.
#6. Denver Broncos – Hi, we know who you are now. You’re the 2004 Carolina Panthers. Yup.
#7. New York Giants – I seriously had no idea they were 6-3 until I started working on this. Like I had to revamp where I was gonna put them because I could’ve sworn they were just like 4-5 or something.
#8. Philadelphia Eagles – Shut up Ron.
#9. Atlanta Falcons – They’re confusing. This team should easily be 8-2 but can’t seem to get out of their own way and cause their own destruction more often than not. Better be glad your division is a wash.
#10. Miami Dolphins – Jay Ajayi has been a pleasant surprise this season, he really might have saved Tannehill’s job. Don’t ask me how that works because I can’t tell you.
Tier 3. The Gary Coleman Show, yes, that was a thing
#11. Tennessee Titans – You heard me. They beat the ever loving crap out of the Packers, and are positioning themselves to steal this division from the sorry Texans.
#12. Detroit Lions – It’s not that the Lions don’t have a defense, it’s that they’re trying to play football on Very Very Hard.
#13. Pittsburgh Steelers – Tough loss. I’m not sure how you let Elliot through the line UNTOUCHED.
#14. Baltimore Ravens – They’re currently the leaders of the North, yup. That’s right. We haven’t been paying attention to them either.
#15. Washington – They’re not bad. At all. Decent defense, Kirk Cousins has played pretty well, and the running game is becoming more and more consistent. It’s just too bad that the NFC East is finally living up to potential and they’ll probably find themslves outside the playoffs.
#16. Arizona Cardinals – Getting better. Still a pretty mediocre team right now. It’s like hoping that the Steven Universe episode you recorded is actually a new episode and not a re-run. It’s a re-run and you know you’ve seen this story before, but you hang around for it, because, who knows.
#17. Minnesota Vikings – The thud you heard a few weeks ago were the Vikings coming back to Earth. The aftershock you felt was the team hitting rock bottom.
#18. San Diego Chargers – Every time I start believing in you guys, you go and blow a game to Miami. Maybe you’ll win a championship when you move to…..Orlando? Los Angeles. Los Angeles is the right answer.
Tier 4. Thursday Night Football
#19. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – I don’t know if Jameis’s eternal scramble against Chicago is a reflection of his talent, Chicago’s ineptitude, or both. Probably both. Jameis is good.
#20. Cincinnati Bengals – Might be under .500, but still possibly strong enough to win the division. Maybe. Maybe. No. No, they’re not.
#21. Houston Texans – The Texans are Jill Stein. No one really believes in them and no one thinks they can win it all.
#22. Buffalo Bills – Well well well, what do we have here? The Bills choking away another promising playoff opportunity? Couldn’t be!
#23. Los Angeles Rams – I had them at #32 until they announced Jared Goff would start. Thank God. At some point whether it’s completely Case Keenum’s fault or not, you just gotta spare him and America the pain and sit him down.
#24. Jacksonville Jaguars – Trash.
#25. New Orleans Saints – These rankings happened before Thursday Night Football. This team seems destined for last place in the South.
#26. Green Bay Packers – Okay, look, the Titans aren’t a bad team to lose to. But I am gonna ask questions when you let them drop more than 40 on you.
Tier 5. Tales from the Crypt
#27. Indianapolis Colts – Another team I forgot existed, but for a good reason.
#28. Carolina Panthers – Again. Made these rankings before Thursday Night football. Don’t get your hopes up though Panthers fans, this team is still destined for a 2nd or 3rd place finish like they’re Ash Ketchum in a Pokemon League.
#29. New York Jets – Worst 3 win team in the league. Good God. They’re BAD.
#30. San Francisco 49ers – Still rooting for Kaepernick. Still. Rooting. For. Kaepernick. Fight me.
#31. Chicago Bears – Jordan Howard and Alshon Jeffery are the only bright spots for this team right now.
#32. Cleveland Browns – What else can be said? They still haven’t won a game, inexplicably yanked Cody Kessler for an inept Josh McCown. Maybe Kessler was in the doghouse, who knows, either way it was painful to watch. Please help them @God.