Features Rants

Is This The Calm Before The Storm? Nicolas Cage Is Up To Something


Look I don’t know what’s going on in the picture above and honestly I don’t want to know. We can’t allow it to happen though.

It has been 10 years since Nicolas Kim C(age)oppola stole $9.25 from us, $8.25 if you were a college student. Well, at least, that’s the last time he stole from me. After Ghost Rider I vowed to never watch another Nick Cage movie again. I’ve kept that vow and so have much of America. After 2007, Cage in a starring role became less and less frequent after being a staple of the late 90s and 2000s. I won’t lie, Gone In 60 Seconds is probably one of my favorite movies so I can’t sit here and act as if I’ve never liked the guy. I think we all did, but as the movies kept coming in something became more and more apparent… This guy is awful. He was able to mask his horrible acting skills with action and great storylines like the National Treasure series (guilty pleasure). It took me getting older and re-visiting some of these movies to realize I had been swindled. This man had been robbing us for almost 20 years. We allowed him to kiss on some of the most beautiful women in the world. They wanted us to believe that Nick Cage was cool enough to bag Angelina Jolie and Eva Mendez and we bought it. We ate it up. We never thought to look deeper and honestly we didn’t have to look deep. All we had to do was look at the movie poster. There isn’t one promo where he doesn’t look like they photoshopped him in at the last minute. That should’ve been our first clue. 20 years and countless dollars we can’t get back. Which brings me to this, Do you really think that a man like Nick Cage who had us fooled for that long isn’t able to do it again? Think about it, sure after 2007 his starring roles declined but he was still out here making movies. Somebody listened to his ideas and funded these films. Which means they haven’t given up on him. So much so that later on in 2007, they decide to release another National Treasure movie since the first one did so well. Although it did well in the box office, we still weren’t fooled. We were sick of Nick Cage. This is when the decline begins, from 2008-10 there were only 4 starring roles after amassing that same total in 2007 alone. Fast forward to 2012, they try to test the waters with Ghost Rider Spirit Of Vengeance because who doesn’t like a sequel to a shitty movie right? Bombed. They figured out that we just weren’t ready for a return quite yet. So from 2012 – 2016 we heard nothing from Mr Coppola.


This decline eerily coincides with the Obama presidency. Just add that to the reasons why he’s the GOAT.

There were a bevy of straight to netflix type movies but nothing mainstream. We seemed to be in the clear. Then on September 16 2016 Snowden hits theaters and with it comes a demon we had been free of for 4 years. Although the movie flopped and it wasn’t a major role, they still managed to pull one over on us. They are slowly integrating him back into our minds and our homes. We can’t allow this to happen. President Obama didn’t allow him to ruin our lives on his watch but under this new administration and in Trump’s america, anything goes. Imagine a world where people are lined up outside in their MAGA hats waiting to see this latest installment of National Treasure where Trump allows him to steal the Articles of Confederation or worse…


Bangkok Dangerous 2.

It isn’t pretty. So join us in saying “KEEP NICOLAS CAGE AWAY FROM ME AND MY LOVED ONES”. Stay golden.


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