Ryan, Courtnee and Alex are joined by Ron to rundown the Best and Worst of Week 1, their picks for Week 2 and more.
#32 – Indianapolis Colts: If you have to rely on Scott Tolzein for more than 3 drives, you’re screwed.
#31 – New York Jets: Josh McCown will give this team 4 weeks of fire midseason, just to give enough hope that they could fight for 8th place in the AFC, only to have it fall completely apart when he breaks something unfortunate.
#30 – New Orleans Saints – Brees looks done. Payton looks like the NFL’s version of Gus Malzahn (except with a ring as a HC), Adrian Peterson isn’t getting touches.
#29 – Washington – They looked completely lost and for some reason Kirk Cousins decided to attend the Patrick Ramsey school of ineffective Quarterbacking
#28 – Cincinnati Bengals – The Bengals have a leak in their home. The leak’s name is Marvin Lewis, Andy Dalton is the cloth they attempted to throw over the puddle said leak created. Andy Dalton is now an anvil. The ceiling has collapsed.
#27 – Houston Texans – I like to knock Tom Savage, but seriously, he isn’t the reason why this team struggled or why they’re about to go 6-10.
#26 – San Francisco 49ers – Not gonna lie, watched exactly 0% of their offensive possessions. Neither did you.
#25 – Arizona Cardinals – Carson Palmer is in the “should have hung it up two years ago” category with Drew Brees.
#24 – Los Angeles Chargers – I’d rank them higher, but Jesus Christ man, that mismanagement of the clock in the 4th quarter was awful.
#23 – New York Giants – Giants got alllllll those weapons but can’t protect Eli from a Sour Patch Kid.
#22 – Cleveland Browns – Browns may have finally found their guy, Kizer had a strong debut.
#21 – Buffalo Bills – Looked pretty bad, and that was the game to really establish yourself too….
#20 – Tennessee Titans – Got dominated by Oakland, they have a few things they need to assess before they make a playoff run. Next week is important.
#19 – Jacksonville Jaguars – Lost their best deep threat, but mother of God that defense looks AWESOME. Legitimate chance to take control of first place in a trash division.
#17 – Miami Dolphins and Tampa Bay Buccaneers
#16 – Pittsburgh Steelers – Underwhelmed.
#15 – Baltimore Ravens – How do you get 4 free drives courtesy the RedHeaded Boy Wonder and only put up 20 points? Joe Flacco had a 2003 Ravens QB statline.
#14 – Chicago Bears – I’m not overrating them because the gave Atlanta a fight. That running game will keep them in games they aren’t supposed to be in.
#13 – Los Angeles Rams – Don’t get too happy Rams fans, y’all will be back in the 20s by Week 3.
#12 – New England Patriots – Only putting them this low because this will be the only time I can put them this low.
#11 – Detroit Lions (wrong logo, my bad, I’m not fixing it and you will deal with it) – Stafford went from being the guy we made fun of for failing hard in the 4th quarter but now, suddenly, he’s Brady. Ish.
#10 – Philadelphia Eagles – Alex is happy.
#09 – Seattle Seahawks – Yes, they lost, yes, the offense looked out of sync, no I don’t have any reason to justify this placement.
#08 – Carolina Panthers – Took care of a team they should have taken care of, offense looked fluid.
#07 – Atlanta Falcons – Sark seemed timid about opening up the offense week 1, he’ll need to drop that because teams are coming for them.
#06 – Dallas Cowboys – While I’ve been on the record as saying that Dallas will take a small step back this year, that doesn’t mean they won’t be a good team. The NFC East is theirs.
#05 – Denver Broncos – Defense still in great form and T.S. actually looks to have improved this offseason. He’s gone from Josh McCown to Chad Pennington, so good for him.
#04 – Minnesota Vikings – Sam Bradford got tired of me calling him a broke Jeff George and dropped 300 yards on New Orleans. He won’t do it again, but it’s nice to see he’s got some sass in him.
#03 – Kansas City Chiefs – Speaking of QBs I’ve insulted, Alex Smith got tired of me calling him a knockoff wanna be Cade McNown too. Actually threw passes down the field and whatnot, I’m proud of him. Again, they won’t drop 42 this week, but hey.
#02 – Green Bay Packers – I don’t have any secure reasoning for this. Rodgers is the 2nd best QB in the league, and might be the best if Tom Brady’s arm has started to turn into a noodle.
#01 – Oakland Raiders – This is only to make my Mom and Brother happy. I don’t truly believe in this ranking.