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Week 15 Power Rankings – Inappropriate Units of Measurement


I’m going to quote my own tweet here, is that appropriate? Is that arrogant or something?

I don’t think I’ve ever been left more confused in a 5-hour timespan than I was on Sunday. That was wild man. Rankings time.

Tier #6: The gap between Mike Tyson’s front teeth to measure hand size

#32. Cleveland Browns – Okay, I’m starting to turn on Hue man.

#31. Indianapolis Colts – Not going to lie to you and act like I’ve watched any minute of this team this season.

#30. Chicago Bears – I watch their games for Jordan Howard.

#29. Denver Broncos – How does your offense ELEVATE when Osweiler steps in? What’s going on here?

#28. New York Giants – 29 points against the Eagles. Well done son guy.

#27. Cincinnati Bengals – Marvin Lewis is only now “officially” resigning. He’s been in Hawaii mentally for about 2-3 seasons now.

Tier #5: Lapses in time between Chris Collinsworth saying “now here’s a guy” to measure a 40-yard dash

#26. Houston Texans – Your QB completed 38% of his passes and you’ve gone 1-7 since Watson went down. You didn’t sign Kaepernick because…….why?

#25. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Fought like hell against Atlanta, but Koetter still out of here as soon as the calendar moves to 2018.

#24. Miami Dolphins – Cutler still drunk and smoking blacks

#23. Arizona Cardinals – Blaine Gabbert: 18/41 for 189 yards and one INT. Blaine Gabbert is trash.

#22. Washington – Jay Gruden slowly turning into Marvin Lewis. Slowly.

#21. San Francisco 49ers – They’ve won 3 straight ever since they let Jimmy G take over the role. He’s taking his first L on Sunday though.

Tier #4: Number of times The Rock rolls around after he gets hit with the Stunner to microwave popcorn

#20. New York Jets – I’m only saying this because I don’t know how many times in the history of ever this statement could actually be said: they win that game if Josh McCown is at QB.

#19. Tennessee Titans – You know, we really don’t talk about how heartbreaking it’s got to be as a Titans fan. Like, not ever.

#18. Oakland Raiders – Index Card-gate aside, it was a bad spot, Dak CLEARLY had the first down. Also Derek Carr went full 00s Raiders there at the end.

#17. Green Bay Packers – Lost in all this fuss of them missing the playoffs is the fact that Aaron Rodgers is going to be utterly clueless when January comes and he doesn’t have anything to do.

Tier #3: Using a ruler to line up your hairline

#16. Dallas Cowboys – They get Zeke back for an important stretch but it all means nothing if Atlanta wins one more game.

#15. Buffalo Bills – You know that series of videos on YouTube where Luigi wins various games by doing absolutely nothing? Yeah, well that’s the Bills last week.

#14. Seattle Seahawks – I don’t think I’ve ever seen a Wilson-led Seahawks team get the snot beat out of them like that. Reminds me of that time the Jaguars beat the dog stuffing out of the Colts like 44-10 about a decade ago.

#13. Detroit Lions – Nevermind what I said about Jay Gruden, Jim Caldwell will be full blown Marvin Lewis in about 6 years.

#12. Los Angeles Chargers – If I’m jinxing these teams I’m telling you to watch out for, then let me go ahead and tell y’all to watch out for the Patriots, Panthers and Saints

#11. Baltimore Ravens – I won’t jinx them.

Tier #2: Time between an all-caps Trump tweet and a White House leak to estimate when the Uber will arrive

#10. Atlanta Falcons – Here’s the conundrum when it comes to Atlanta: IF their offense finds its groove within the next two weeks, I don’t know who can beat them in the postseason, but if their offense stays at its current pace, I don’t know who they beat in the postseason.

#09. Kansas City Chiefs – Alex Smith is actually having a career year. I KNOW RIGHT?

#08. New Orleans Saints – There’s a part of this team that’s beginning to get exposed as its weakness. Like when you’re fighting a boss in a game and you gotta knock something off to reveal its weakspot.

#07. Los Angeles Rams – Them too. The exact same thing as above.

#06. Philadelphia Eagles – Someone wake the defense up and tell them the season isn’t over yet.

Tier #1: Using a piece of paper, folded hamburger style, to prove it was a first down

#05. Carolina Panthers – Okay, on the lowest of keys, this MIGHT be the best team in the NFC. I’m not sure yet though. Cam Newton calling out Clay Matthews is a thing of beauty by the way.

#04. Pittsburgh Steelers – Yes. Jesse James caught it. Yes, Dez caught it. No, Ben shouldn’t have thrown that pass. Throw that out of the endzone. But hey, forcing things is just something Ben likes to do right?

#03. Jacksonville Jaguars – Blake Bortles has been improving every single game. No, seriously.

#02. New England Patriots – Eh. Tom Brady is Tom Brady. Gronk is Gronk. Please double cover Gronk.

#01. Minnesota Vikings – Am I overinflating them? Probably. Do I feel sorry about that? Absolutely not. This story is fun.

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