Considering that we’re both from Alabama, @cheesusslice and I both have unusual fan loyalties. I’m an Eagles fan, he’s a Jets fan. The question we’re often asked is, “Why????”. I wish we had answer. Maybe we like pain and suffering. Maybe we don’t want to know what it feels like to have a happy Sunday. Either way, we hate each others teams as if they’re division rivals.
However, this doesn’t prevent us from acknowledging that we both root for pretty shitty teams. So let’s jump into, here’s why our teams suck.
Let’s start with a quote from Charles “Chip” Kelly, circa 2011
Let’s fast forward to 2015
Why did we? Why in the hell? Why? Why? Why? Why?
Why did we sign the SEC Network’s Dunkin Donuts errand boy? Why? This is the guy who has to make “chugga chugga chugga” train noises every time he winds up to throw a pass? Why did we sign him? He’s somehow convinced he’s a National Football League QB after Jesus dropped the football into Demaryious Thomas’ hands in the playoffs. Even if he doesn’t make our team, we’re still the circus of the NFL for training camps.
It could be worse though, at least we have the best running back in the game.
Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh I don’t know what’s worse, passing on the ONE player from your previously coach team in the draft who’s actually worth his salt or trading your best offensive weapon for him. After he missed an entire year. In a trade that only took 30 minutes. I don’t know if you’re familiar with the process of a NFL trade but it’s damn near like passing a bill through Congress. So this trade was pretty much equivalent to “just let me put the tip in”. It doesn’t help that this guy missed the entire 2014 season. Oh, I mentioned that already?
It doesn’t stop there. Every night, I pray to Puerto Rican Jesus to help me understand this one. I need guidance. I know my brain doesn’t understand divine workings but I’m so lost on this one.
If you know me, you know I wasn’t the biggest Foles fan in the world but dude, come on! We traded Kevin frickin Kolb for Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie and a 2nd round pick when the only thing he had on film was dippin tobacco on the sidelines. So I’m to believe that Nick Foles is worth less than Sam Bradford?
And even worse, I’m to believe that Chip Kelly actually wanted to KEEP Bradford? ELL-EM-AY-OH. What make genius masterplans so masterful is that no one ever sees them coming.
So trading for a guy and not giving him a fake jersey to hold up at his presser might be the biggest, “Hey! I’m full of shit” sign ever. Everyone smelled this Mariota trade bargaining chip a mile away and laugh, now we’re stuck with Chief AlwaysInjured.
Projected Depth Chart is as follows:
QB: Mark Sanchez/Sam Bradford/Tim Tebow
RB: Demarco Murray/Ryan Mathews/Darren Sproles (which means by week 6, it’ll probably be Tebow)
WR: The Racist guy and some random assortment of Oregon Players
TE:Zach Ertz/Brent Celek
LT: Old guy
LG: Old disgruntled guy who we tried to trade
C: Jason Kelce
RG: Guy who’s going to suck
RT: A guy who may or may not have wrestled a bear for sport
Defense: A Group of guys who will give up 30 points a game because Chip averages 25 seconds between every offensive turnover.
Our team features a group of guys affectionately labeled “Chip Kelly guys”. This means you buy into his bullshit and don’t let him know that you’re far away from Oregon.
Did you almost in a Heisman? Come on through.
Did you play in the Pac-12? Oh, yea, you come on too.
Do you suck? Do you have injury problems? Especially you! Come to the front.
The 2015 Eagles should play on the Island of Misfit toys.
Given our seemingly easy schedule on paper, we should win the division. But I’m sure we’ll get owned by the redskins and the cowboys will tapdance on our logo. To make matters worse, Eli will probably have one of his best best “Make your ol’ man proud!” games against us.
Screw Chip Kelly. I want him back coaching Sam Houston Sate next year.
At least his team is consistently over .500…
Hi, I’m @cheesusslice and I’m a New York Jets fan. I can’t really explain to you why we suck… wait… Actually, I can. This man right here is the bane of my existence:
Who is he you ask? That’s the penny pinching win hating dickhole that owns my beloved Jets, Robert “Woody” Johnson IV. There’s actually been 3 previous dickholes of his namesake.
What did he do that was so horrible? His actions of lets say the past 4 years are why this team is in its current state of flux. First, although it may have been the right move, he let Revis walk away. Granted he’s back now, but that started the decline of our defense which carried that dreadful offense that was once lead by Mark Sanchez, who has just come off a pretty good season with that team ol’ buddy up there cheers for. Never should’ve let him go. Which leads me to his next f%$& up, the hiring of this idiot:
John Idzik Jr. . .
Let me reel off a few of his “highlights”
- He drafted Geno Smith and Tahj f$%^in Boyd
He signed Eric Decker (gave him #1 WR money too) AND Chris Johnson
Here are some nice stats from these gems:
QB Geno Smith: 25 TDs/ 34 INTs/16 Fumbles/57% Completion Rate… THATS 50 TURNOVERS IN 2 YEARS!!!! LMAO THIS AINT EVEN FUNNY
QB Tahj Boyd: NO STATS AVAILABLE CUZ THE BUM AINT IN THE LEAGUE ANYMORE. HE WASTED A WHOLE DAMN PICK ON HIM.
RB Chris Johnson: 663 Rushing Yards and 1 (ONE) whopping touchdown. Damn good signing.
WR Eric Decker: 962 Receiving 5 TDs. Decent season but I expect more from someone getting paid #1 money.
Now I will say this, Idzik did draft Muhammad Wilkerson and Sheldon Richardson who happen to be the focal points of our re-emerging defense. He can still eat a dick though because his bad signings led to his and Rex Ryan’s firing. Rex Ryan was the only coach the Jets needed and now he’s gone.
The jury is still out on Todd Bowles, our new coach, although he’s off to a pretty good start. He brought back Revis and Cromartie, traded for Brandon Marshall, Released Chris Johnson and somehow lucked up and had Leonard Williams fall to him at 6 in the draft. He also picked up Devin Smith so our receiving corps should be just fine.
I’m not going to bring up Bryce Petty because I still believe it was mistakenly reported. I believe we drafted Jay Ajayi and somehow the announcer got confused and said Bryce Petty. Because there’s NO explanation for drafting a person with a broken back and concussion issues, so until that error is cleared up there’s no reason to count him amongst our QB depth which already includes Geno, Harvard Homeless Viking Beard Guy and Phil Simms’ lil boy. Bryce Petty does not exist to me. I’m already stressed enough just knowing Brandon Marshall is going to lead the league in “Watching The Ball Sail Smoothly Over His Head and Sadly Jogging Back To The Huddle” plays.
To wrap this up, I don’t hate my team, I hate Woody Johnson. I honestly believe this team will improve by at least 2 games this year… I’m lying… LOL HAVE YOU SEEN OUR SCHEDULE? And Let’s not forget Geno will be handing over the goods like a drunk college girl at frat party after a probate.
We’re still gonna suck sooooo bad. Not as bad as the Eagles but we’re gonna be awful. Hopefully, we can steal Christian Hackenberg in next years draft. Can you just picture the savior in the green and white? CAN’T WAIT!!!
Eat a dick Woody Johnson… Yours Truly, Cheesus