Never let any love interest treat you the way the Steelers treated the Chiefs.
Live by it.
Put it in your vows when you get married. IF you get married.
Tier 1: Super Mario World
#1. Denver Broncos – Again. Super Bowl Champions with a strong defense that only need mediocre QB play to keep winning. As long as that continues to happen the Broncos are the team to beat.
#2. New England Patriots – Brady is back. Look out.
#3. Pittsburgh Steelers – I think a lot of people saw the Eagles game as a fluke, but the way that the Steelers treated the Chiefs. My God. I really don’t even have a comparison.
#4. Minnesota Vikings – Okay. That defense is legitimate. I don’t know how long they can hold out for an offense still trying to get its legs under itself like a baby giraffe. Mike Zimmer is a magician and I don’t even have the words to say just how great of a job he’s doing without two of his best players.
Tier 2: SEGA Genesis Pre-1995
#5. Philadelphia Eagles – Philadelphia Soul had a bye week, crazy that they’re having to start the season to defend their title just after winning Arena Bowl.
#6. Atlanta Falcons – The defense can’t stop a dripping water faucet if you gave them a set of wrenches, a glass and SpongeBob SquarePants, but by God this offense. By. God. This. Offense.
#7. Green Bay Packers – Knowing the Packers trends over the last few seasons, they’ll blow this easily winnable game against the Giants. Key to defeating New York? Put a kicking net out at corner.
#8. Oakland Raiders – Still don’t know how I feel about the Raiders being a Top 10 team, but I’ll give it to them. A couple of level-headed calls from Del Rio late against the Falcons could have this team undefeated. They’re checking off the entire list when it comes to “turning the corner”: coming from behind? Check. Balanced offense even in desperate situations? Check. Winning games on the road? Check.
#9. Dallas Cowboys – I’ve seen a lot of hypotheticals posted on Facebook asking whether or not Romo gets his job back when he returns from his injury. No. Romo does not get his job back. Romo is now jobless. Romo better go to bag groceries like Kurt Warner and hope to get another shot and win a Super Bowl with the Cleveland Browns in like 2019. This is Dak’s team now. Only chance Romo has is to find those guys from a few years ago that jumped Dak during Spring Break. Otherwise, Romo is done in Dallas.
Tier 3: Jigglypuff in Smash Bros.
#10. Los Angeles Rams – There’s no way they keep this up, right? Like, we’re just allowing them into the group until they eventually show themselves out right? This isn’t happening.
#11. Baltimore Ravens – Bad loss to Oakland at home when you had control of the game late. However, this team is way more solid than we initially thought. Also, please don’t retire Steve Smith. Ever. Stay.
#12. Cincinnati Bengals – ATTENTION, ALERT, ATTENTION! ANDY DALTON DID NOT FOLD IN THE NATIONAL SPOTLIGHT FOR THE FIRST (SECOND?) TIME IN HIS CAREER. WORLD WILL BE COMING TO AN END SOON. MAKE CINCINNATI GREAT AGAIN. (yes, I used the same insert as last time, because we haven’t seen them play since)
#13. Seattle Seahawks – Something is just up with this Seahawks team and I can’t quite put my finger on it. There’s somebody missing, but I just….can’t….figure….out….who…
#14. Houston Texans – NOPE. He still looks like a Greaser/Outsider. NOPE.
Tier 4: 3-D Sonic Games not called Sonic Adventure 2
#15. Kansas City Chiefs – Okay, look, everyone gets one. But that’s it, don’t do it again. (Jesus Christ you guys got massacred)
#16. New York Giants – Fitting. New York’s biggest Superhero over the last few years might become their greatest villain. Defenses have figured out how easy it is to get in ODB’s head and render him emotional and useless. If he doesn’t get his manbaby emotions in control he will continue to cost this team wins.
#17. Washington Hogs – Great job beating Cody Kessler guys.
#18. Miami Dolphins – I really don’t know why you guys are this high. You have no redeemable qualities. Your QB is average, your RB is hurt, your defense is good, but that’s about it.
#19. Tennessee Titans – Only reason you see AFC South team rankings being a little inflated is because their division is trash and literally everybody has a chance.
#20. Not pictured – Buffalo Bills – They did not show up for the team photo. Sorry guys. Great win though against Jacoby BBQ Brissett with a janky wrist.
Tier 5: Paper Mario Games after Thousand Year Door
#21. Arizona Cardinals – Drew Stanton claims he can step in and run the show once Carson steps away from the game for good. Well, here’s your chance to save the season bro.
#22. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Virtually any picture of Jameis Winston squinting perfectly describes their season.
#23. Carolina Panthers – Cam been taking vicious hits ALL season man. I feel bad for him. He carried this team on his shoulders last season offensively, and now he can barely get them rolling. Get this man some offensive help….
#24. Chicago Bears – My boy, Jordan Howard, WENT. OFF. Over 100 yards, helped opened up the offense and let Brian Hoyer not go full Brian Hoyer. That’s what’s up. I’m proud of him. Go Blazers.
#25. San Francisco 49ers – Teammates want Kaepernick to start. I want Kaepernick to start. I hope he plays and goes off with his afro in Super Saiyan mode.
#26. Jacksonville Jaguars – Refer to #19.
Tier 6: E.T., The Video Game
#27. New York Mehs – 4 TDs, 10 INTs. I’m a Fitzpologist, and I feel like Brandon Marshall: “I’m going down in a boat with Ryan Fitzpatrick”. You’ve hitched your wagon to this ride, you better roll with it.
#28. New Orleans A’ints – There’s talent in New Orleans, but if they want to win, they better restructure Brees’s deal and use that money on a defense.
#29. San Diego Super Wah Wahs – Philip. Just go back to Athens man. You don’t deserve this.
#30. Indianapolis Dolts – Just embarrassed yourselves in London. England probably thinks Indianapolis is a dump now, way to tarnish Peyton Manning’s entire career guys.
#31. Detroit Be Lyins – LOL
#32. Fighting Cody Kesslers – Keep on fighting Cody. Set yourself up to get on somebody’s roster next year when Hue Jackson drafts your replacement in May.