Features Sports

Worse Than 3D Garfield: Week 6 Power Rankings

Just when you thought I couldn't be less creative, I separate our ranking tiers into television references. Join me on my descent into madness.

I don’t know why Boomerang won’t just get rid of it. It makes no sense really. That show is terrible, awful. Like if you had to make tiers of all-time cartoons, your top tier would obviously be your “Animaniacs”, Original Scooby-Doo, Pup Named Scooby Doo outro song, etc., then at the bottom you would have this freaking show. It even looks bad.

3dgarfield

Just look at this unpopped pimple of a cartoon show that has rendered America’s 4th favorite semi-bipedal feline into a horrible CDI quality television show?

I’m sorry man, I know I’m supposed to be writing about football but a commercial for this comes on Boomerang 90 times a day while I’m trying to watch Dexter’s Laboratory and Pokemon re-runs.

Tier 1: Saturday Morning Cartoons

#1. New England Patriots (4-1): I heard someone mention that Brady’s suspension was a blessing in disguise. Brady’s performances last season started dwindling within the final quarter, suggesting that his body is having trouble holding up an entire season. Since Brady has sat out the 1st quarter of the season, he can sustain his game a little longer for New England.

#2. Pittsburgh Steelers (4-1): Most potent offense in the league. Defense might end up being a liability for them in the long run (would have been damn near blasphemous to say this about a Pittsburgh team 10 years ago), but they’re riding or dying with Ben Roethlisberger’s arm.

#3. Minnesota Vikings (5-0): Only reason I do not have them number 1 is because there are way too many questions at the QB and RB position still. Bradford has been solid going back to Week 8 of last season, but there are still questions of whether or not he can play mistake free football. At least AP might come back.

Tier 2: Anything Stephen Spielberg touched. Especially Freakazoid.

#4. Atlanta Falcons (4-1) – When asked if the Falcons uncovered the key to beating them, Broncos DB Aqib Talib responded: “yeah, if you can go out and get a Tevin Coleman”. This offense is incredibly dangerous, defense still needs work. If their defense can just stay average, this team makes a run.

#5. Seattle Seahawks (3-1) – My wife insists that Pete Carroll always looks like cold wind is blowing on his face. I’m inclined to agree.

#6. Denver Broncos (4-1) – Game probably has a different outcome with Siemian at QB. Offense looked very 2015-like under Lynch.

#7. Philadelphia Soul (3-1) – Carson Wentz has played almost lights out. That interception against Detroit is soul crushing, mainly because Detroit. Legit defense, smart young QB who will keep them in games.

Tier 3: Kids WB Promos without Michigan J Frog

#8. Oakland/Las Vegas Raiders (4-1) – What’s more 2000s Raider-esque? Enduring 13 years of horrendous play or finally turning it all around and potentially moving to Las Vegas?

#9. Dallas Cowboys (4-1) – Interesting stat I heard on the radio this morning: the Cowboys have attempted 9 passes over 20 yards with Dak Prescott. He’s 2 of 9 on those attempts. Still, the Cowboys have made it work with a guy who makes virtually no mistakes. Ride that hot hand until you can’t anymore.

#10. Buffalo Bills (3-2) – 3 straight wins is no easy feat. I may not trust their coach, but I rock with Tyrod, I really do.

#11. Green Bay Packers (3-1) – Very definition of meh this season. Truly the black coffee of the NFL.

#12. Los Angeles Rams (3-2) – Jeff Fisher will have the most losses in NFL history if he loses 7 more games. In other words, Fisher would have to go 7-9 this season. Again.

#13. Fighting Kirk Cousins (3-2) – Something about “you liking that”.

Tier 4: Last 10 years of the Simpsons

#14. Kansas City Chiefs – The AFC version of the Packers. Except their QB hasn’t won them a ring yet.

#15. Houston Texans – I told you that guy was a Greaser. A rich greaser with an overinflated wallet, but yeah, a greaser. Texans finishing 3rd once the Jaguars get it together.

#16. Baltimore Ravens – Please replace all images of Joe Flacco with JoAnne the Scammer. Thank you.

#17. Detroit Lions – Finally showing life when we were about to right you off. Very Detroit Lionish of you.

#18. Tampa Buccaneers – That MNF game was awful to watch, no one wanted to win. Jameis Winston was squinting to make sure he actually was playing with 11 other players.

#19. Tennessee Titans – Marcus Mariota is the guy from high school that everyone liked because he was actually a really nice person. Yet you had some kind of resentment toward him for whatever reason, probably because everybody liked him.

#20. Arizona Cardinals – “I’ll start every game if David Johnson is going to pretty much do my job for me” – Drew Stanton, probably.

Tier 5: 3rd rate spinoff about a throwaway character who really only had like, 2 character traits

#21. New York Giants – Here’s an idea, if something isn’t going right, change the person in charge but change virtually nothing else about the situation. That will workout perfectly. Trust me. NOTHING CAN GO WRONG IF YOU DO THAT.

#22. Indianapolis Colts – They went back and forth with a Bears team that features your white friend’s church’s wanna be hip Youth Pastor at QB. Colts really have fallen off out here.

#23. Chicago Bears – To Hoyer’s defense he has a damn good running back to work with now. Keep feeding Jordan.

#24. San Diego Chargers – Athens has a lot of new developments and plenty of land for you to buy Phillip.

#25. Jacksonville Jaguars – Only team in the NFL that knows how to take an L during their bye week.

Tier 6: Pinky, Elmira & The Brain

#26. Cincinnati Bengals – Marvin Lewis will somehow finesse this lackluster follow up season into a contract extension. Because the guy seriously has Jedi Mind Control powers or something.

#27. San Francisco 49ers – Black America is collectively sending Colin Kaepernick their energy for a football-style spirit bomb. No, but seriously, Blaine Gabbert is TERRIBLE.

#28. New York Jets – I’m all out of Fitzcuses.

#29. Carolina Panthers – Derek Anderson ladies and gentlemen

#30. New Orleans Saints – Will they finish 4-12? No, Brees has too much talent and pride to let that happen, but a 6-10 season is very possible.

#31. Miami Dolphins – Only team in the league with a stout defense and an offense that’s so bad, dreary and boring they’d put Richard Simmons to sleep.

#32. Cleveland Browns – This ranking is in performance only. I don’t know how you can have as much crap thrown at you as the Browns have and still want to take the field every week. 5 QBs so far this season, every one of them except Terrell Pryor has gotten hurt, it honestly wouldn’t upset anyone if they let TP just play QB. Kessler has looked good in spots and has all season to try and take the job next year, the little time McCown had he lit it up. They could go 0-16 and Hue would be considered a genius for not losing every game by 40.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s